Suicide - the topic that no one truly wants to discuss and even those who have had firsthand experience with the subject don't want to hear about it for the most part. The majority of suicides take place in December - fact.
In March of 2003, I was at the end of my rope. I had a failed marriage (#3), my husband had left me and later I found out he had been seeing another woman for many months before he left and everyone, except me, knew about it. My life was left in a state of shame, no self-esteem whatsoever, confusion, hurt and I was afraid to show my face as I thought everyone was laughing at how stupid I was not to know what they all knew. I felt I had no friends as a true friend would have told me what was going on. I was dependant on a toxic person.
I was dealing with all my emotions of failure in my life. I was molested before I even went to school, I was raped, abused physically, mentally and emotionally, I lost a child very early in my life that I had never been able to get past, I smoked pot daily during my teenage and prior to having children years to deal with the pain or to bury it. I had an addictive personality which was very dangerous. I was battered, used and abused in my heart and I felt I had nothing left. My life was not kind to me. My life in simple terms sucked. Why me? I would ask God but would receive no answer or least no answer that I heard or understood.
At the time, I didn't see this as the blessing that it has since proven to be. I saw it as a representation of the failure in life that I was. I hated being here. I wanted to go home to my Father. I begged Him to let me come back home however God had other plans for me. Bigger than I could comprehend at the time.
On a chilly night in March, I took handfuls of pills with alcohol, mostly narcotics, got into my Ford Explorer, pulled into our garage, turned it on with some quiet music, shut the door, wrote a love letter to my children who were all moved out and had their own lives, laid the seat back and went to sleep. If the pills didn't help me go home, the carbon monoxide poisoning would. Or so I thought!
The garage was barely big enough for my vehicle to get in without hitting the mirrors. Keep this in mind as the story continues ...
I have about a 3-day blackout from this experience. Somehow my truck got pulled out of the garage and there was not a scratch or scrape on it. I was still in it when the police, ambulance, my daughter, my friend and my father showed up. How could this happen? I definitely was so far out of it and had taken enough drugs that I should have never woken up. All I remember about the entire experience was the police asking me to please go with the ambulance attendants that were there to take care of me.
Fast forward a few days. I couldn't understand why I hurt so bad, physically. Mentally, I understood, however not physically. I had a bruise which was about the size of a basketball under my right breast which covered my rib cage and more. It was deep purple and it was so sore. What happened to me? At the time I had no idea. When I went home, my TV which was the old fashioned heavy TV which on my own I couldn't life, was thrown across the floor. My dishwasher which hadn't been installed yet was laying on its side in the dining room, again, thrown across the floor. And yet I was still in my truck when they found me. What happened during that time?
I went through the 'mandatory' hospital/psychiatrist sessions which I was required to do just agreeing with all they said - even though I agreed with nothing. The psychiatrist would write prescriptions for more drugs (which is ironic considering what I did) and I would take them for a couple days, hate how I felt and never take them again. He kept writing prescriptions and I kept NOT filling them. I knew the ideology they were giving me was not true to my spirit and I knew that something had changed inside of me, truly shifted.
I was told I was selfish and inconsiderate and so many negative things by the medical people that I was forced to see. This was just doing wonders for me considering I was already lacking any self-esteem. They were beating me down more than I beat myself down and just added to the nightmare.
When I was done my mandatory treatment, I never went back again.
Then Source started to put the teachers that I needed right there in front of me. Source knew what I was ready for, what I needed and who could help me to understand why I was still here.
Teacher #1 led me to Teacher #100 - A beautiful lady from a bookstore called "Angels" of all things was my first friend. I kept being drawn to the store and one day I finally got the nerve to go in and see what it was all about. She was kind, considerate and a true blessing in my life. She would direct me to people that could help me learn. Through her, I joined A Course In Miracles group, I went to see my first Angel reader, I went to different events around the county that she had advertised through her store and I started to read again and I read everything I could get my hands on that was inspirational. I met more teachers through the places I would go through her initial push for me and became involved in a meditation group, a reiki share group, labyrinth walks and so much more. When I was done in one area, that next door opened.
This was the beginning of my understanding of what I was supposed to be doing here and why I wasn't allowed to go home when I wanted to. This also brought about many changes in my life that I am so clear on now.
Through self-healing and a lot of meditation time, I found peace. When I finally had that first connection to my spirit guides and angels, and found that automatic writing was how they would communicate with me, I found answers. So many years I had unanswered questions about my childhood, my life, and my adult years. Now I have my answers, almost all that have plagued me.
That period of time that I was in a black out mode, I was in a fight with my guardian angel. I was going home and my guardian angel was telling me 'no you're not'. I had a huge fight to leave this earth, I had seen a glimpse of what is waiting on the other side and I did not want to come back. The feeling of peace in my soul was so amazing and I never wanted to return to this 'place' of hate, shame, hurt, and deceit. I was being forced to come back. It was not my time. I was being told over and over again, it's not your time, you must return. I still to this day do not know if I physically went in the house and then back out to the vehicle (thus the overturned TV and dishwasher). I may never know that however that's okay with me.
It was not my time and I have a purpose here on earth that is not finished. That message kept coming to me over and over again. At the time, I had no idea how important that message would be for me. It was a life altering and rewarding message. My purpose, my soul purpose, is that I am here to help others and to guide them through a loving path of living and help them to deal with the negative issues and hurts of their past in a spiritual way.
Well fast forward to February 2008. I have been in a relationship with a person for a few years at this point who was my true friend since I was a teenager and has always lent me a shoulder to cry on and vice versa throughout our lives. Our children were about the same age, however there was a big hole in his life and the lives of his children. All of them had major addiction issues which had been there through their early teenage years.
My stepson William who was the eldest, was married with two beautiful boys, however the demons of the past and the demons of the drugs and alcohol had a hold on him that he could not or chose not to let go of. He went to rehab for a couple days - it was not for him. He was angry when he did drugs or drank and he could not stop. When he was sober, he was a loving and kind father, son and friend. He was intelligent. He was handsome. He truly could have had the brass ring however - the addictions had a grip on him that he could never release.
He had attempted suicide many times, and failed. I don't even thing his parents knew how many times. Then a couple days before Valentine's Day in 2008, he was able to successfully leave this earth and return home. He left a long letter to his wife telling her that he could not help here while he was here but would see to it that nothing ever hurt her again. And he has been there with her, his children, here in our home several times since that fateful day just letting us know that his spirit is still here and saying hello.
He was allowed to leave - why? Because it was pre-determined. It was his time. My work - the reason I was forced to stay - was so I could help his family get through this, particularly his father, Will's wife and his children (my grandchildren) to understand that yes, he did love them in the only way he knew how. Yes he was a gift while he was here even though it didn't seem like it at the time. Yes he was meant to come into all of their lives to teach them a lesson from the life he lived.
When we sit here at night, there is an Earnhardt lamp that William had given his father, that turns on all by itself and has 3 levels of brightness. When we sit and the light comes on, if you don't acknowledge his presence it will get brighter and brighter until you say 'Hi Will" and then it will stay at whatever brightness it has become. It took a while for his father to understand, however, even though his heart misses him so terribly, he will say 'Hi Will" or "Will's here" when the light starts turning on. It is our consolation that life really is everlasting in spirit.
The reason I wrote this story was to let you know that there were things that Will wanted to say, but no one heard. There were things that he needed to say to the one person he blamed for his being where he was, but no one listened. I know what these things were and truly they do not matter at this point as you cannot change the past and it would be very hurtful to the person that these things would have been directed at. You can only forgive it and move on in life. There is no time machine. You can however choose to drag the negative events of your past with you through your life or take complete responsibility for them, accept them, forgive the events and forgive yourself and if necessary the other person involved and you will then be allowed to live with integrity and harmony.
December is a high suicide rate month. More people get down on life at Christmas time than any other time of the year. Christmas has become so commercialized and so stressful for many who just can't see how they can measure up in their families eyes or their own eyes. Say a prayer in December for those that have passed and those that are thinking about ending their time. Say a prayer and know that our Source, our Father God and Mother Gaia hear all. When someone is sad, listen. Don't be in a hurry to rush off to something, just listen. It's all they truly want and if you can muster up the courage - give them a hug and let them know that they were heard.
Love and light to you all and may you find blessings every day of your life. Give thanks for all and watch your life change.
Sheri Baldwin, RT